Do you ever have days where you feel you've been run over or beat up? That was how I felt when I posted last. I had plans that night to watch a movie with 3 other women. We were going to watch I (heart) Huckabees together over some wine and snacks. So much intensity happened all day with regard to my family, by the time our girls night came I wasn't in good shape and wanted to cancel.
I also did not want to cancel as I was looking forward to spending time with some new friends. So, I went...
Driving there I was trying to decide how to answer the question, "how are you" would I say not good and leave it, would I say okay and leave it, or would I say not good and if you want to know why I will try to make it short...
The latter happened, and we talked and talked...
I love women. Many women I know have such a natural gift to listen with empathy, to think and ask questions that help you process, to offer compassion and wisdom.
I will say it again, I am wealthy, probably one of the richest women I know, not monetarily but with friendships...I think at the end of the day, when I go from this life to what is beyond, the friendships and relationships made here are what will qualify as richness.
thank you Jesus for the multitude of relationships you have brought into my life, too many to mention, but you know and I know and I am blessed...
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
It's been awhile
I have not posted much since my mother got sick back in March. To say the truth, I have wanted to blog but so much personal stuff has come up since my mother's illness I wasn't sure I wanted to put it out there. So, here goes some attempt. There is nothing like a life threatening illness or situation that will bring up every unresolved issue a large family has.
I have 4 siblings. I am second to the youngest. My mom and dad divorced when I was 19. The reason for the divorce, my dad at the time around age 54 was found having an affair with a 17 year old girl. The affair began when she was 15.
Those of you who are parents. How would you feel if your 15 year old daughter was having an affair with a 52 year old married man?
This is only the most minute crack in the ice to begin to tell the story of my childhood and beyond. Suffice to say that if all that happened back then in our home were happening today, my dad would probably be in prison for life.
What has come up on the past month with one sibling in particular is he doesn't remember any of it. He thinks we have exaggerated the story. My 3 other siblings don't deny it all happened. We have all chosen to deal with it in different ways. The 5 of us have never had occasion to discuss it. There have been side conversations with each other, but never the 5 of us all together for as an intense emotional time as this.
One night at the hospital, in the waiting room, there was some reminiscing going on about all the beatings my dad gave to my oldest brother. My brother was relating the times he had to go to the ER and then would go to my aunt's house and would have to lie to people about what happened, he would say he had been in a car accident or any number of other lies to cover for what my dad did. People were sort of laughing, at one point, I said, if he were doing that today he would be in prison...
This started an all out shouting match with my other brother who doesn't think anything too bad really happened. It wasn't pretty and I used some pretty bad language. The thing that put me over the edge, was when this sibling was asked if he would leave his 5 year old daughter with dad to which he replied, yes.
Since that evening, my relationship with my 3 older siblings has been strained. Both my brothers live out of town so are not here for the day to day caring for my mom.
My younger sister has asked the other 3 to respect her boundaries around having any sort of relationship with dad. I have asked for the same.
By the way, for many years I have worked on trying to figure out how to forgive my dad, and what kind of relationship I could have with him. Where I landed was I forgive him but any relationship I try to have with him does not work.
I am today labeled by at least 2 maybe the 3 older siblings as being childish, selfish and paranoid when it comes to my dad...
It is very painful to be misunderstood by people you love. It is also painful to want familial relationships to work and when they don't you have to let go...
So, I am grieving today...Grieving again some of the pain of my childhood, grieving the pain of watching my mother come so close to death and all she has/is going through, grieving my siblings lack of understanding and being slandered by them...
This is one of those times where I have to go deep into the Lord to ask His help to do what I cannot...I know in time this will pass, letting go of illusions, expectations, even in yourself (I did not react well in some of these situations)can be a hard road...
Kind of a downer post hey?
On the positive side, my mom will be moving from rehab to her new assisted living apartment on Monday!
Peace
I have 4 siblings. I am second to the youngest. My mom and dad divorced when I was 19. The reason for the divorce, my dad at the time around age 54 was found having an affair with a 17 year old girl. The affair began when she was 15.
Those of you who are parents. How would you feel if your 15 year old daughter was having an affair with a 52 year old married man?
This is only the most minute crack in the ice to begin to tell the story of my childhood and beyond. Suffice to say that if all that happened back then in our home were happening today, my dad would probably be in prison for life.
What has come up on the past month with one sibling in particular is he doesn't remember any of it. He thinks we have exaggerated the story. My 3 other siblings don't deny it all happened. We have all chosen to deal with it in different ways. The 5 of us have never had occasion to discuss it. There have been side conversations with each other, but never the 5 of us all together for as an intense emotional time as this.
One night at the hospital, in the waiting room, there was some reminiscing going on about all the beatings my dad gave to my oldest brother. My brother was relating the times he had to go to the ER and then would go to my aunt's house and would have to lie to people about what happened, he would say he had been in a car accident or any number of other lies to cover for what my dad did. People were sort of laughing, at one point, I said, if he were doing that today he would be in prison...
This started an all out shouting match with my other brother who doesn't think anything too bad really happened. It wasn't pretty and I used some pretty bad language. The thing that put me over the edge, was when this sibling was asked if he would leave his 5 year old daughter with dad to which he replied, yes.
Since that evening, my relationship with my 3 older siblings has been strained. Both my brothers live out of town so are not here for the day to day caring for my mom.
My younger sister has asked the other 3 to respect her boundaries around having any sort of relationship with dad. I have asked for the same.
By the way, for many years I have worked on trying to figure out how to forgive my dad, and what kind of relationship I could have with him. Where I landed was I forgive him but any relationship I try to have with him does not work.
I am today labeled by at least 2 maybe the 3 older siblings as being childish, selfish and paranoid when it comes to my dad...
It is very painful to be misunderstood by people you love. It is also painful to want familial relationships to work and when they don't you have to let go...
So, I am grieving today...Grieving again some of the pain of my childhood, grieving the pain of watching my mother come so close to death and all she has/is going through, grieving my siblings lack of understanding and being slandered by them...
This is one of those times where I have to go deep into the Lord to ask His help to do what I cannot...I know in time this will pass, letting go of illusions, expectations, even in yourself (I did not react well in some of these situations)can be a hard road...
Kind of a downer post hey?
On the positive side, my mom will be moving from rehab to her new assisted living apartment on Monday!
Peace
Friday, April 08, 2005
Amazing
My mom is fully awake and lucid! She was moved out of icu to a regular room and on Sunday will be discharged to rehab. What an amazing recovery! Thanks to everyone for your prayers and thoughts. Prayer plus her strong will to live pulled her through. I am thankful to Jesus for honoring her will to live. Thanks everyone
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
A Roller Coaster Ride
24 days ago my mom went to the emergency room because she was having trouble breathing. 14 days ago she had quintuple bypass surgery. My mom is 82 years old. 2 weeks ago the doctors told her that she had had a massive heart attack, that she had only had 1/3 of her heart working for probably the past few months. All of her main arteries were 99% blocked. Her choices, go home and prepare to die, they told her that her heart could last one hour, but most optimistic timeframe would be 6 months...they said she was a high risk for the bypass surgery but if she survived it and the recovery it would add years to her life.
When my mom heard her choices she told us she was not ready to die. She was very afraid to undergo the surgery but was not ready to go home and die.
My mom still works 15 hours a week at Walmart (not because she has to, because she loves to work, loves her co-workers)
She lives alone, still drives (albeit, that is a bit scarey)
We (I have four siblings) told her we would support whatever choice she made, she chose the surgery....
There were complications in surgery, it went 2 hours over the normal procedure because they could not stop her bleeding...
The surgeon came out and told us the bypass was a success but the complication during surgery left my mom very vulnerable...
The first week after surgery, they kept her under the anethesia, on a ventilator until they could stabilize her.....
It was touch and go, hour by hour the first week...
My sister, brother-in-law and I spent the first 3 nights at the hospital taking turns checking on her....we promised her we would not leave her alone...
On Easter Sunday the doctors decided to cut her anetheisa and begin to wake her up...we did not know if she had had a stroke and how she would come out of it...
By Wednesday she was awake and lucid...they took a risk and removed the ventilator as they were afraid if they did not she would begin to go backwards...
She was able to sustain her breathing on oxygen, and she was lucid (the nurses told us they were amazed--they did not expect her to make it)
...we were so happy...
By Thursday evening, what the doctors call "hospital pyschosis" set in....my mom became very confused, dioriented and agitated...that has been her state ever since
She is in and out, moments of knowing us and then moments of calling out for her sisters, mom and dad, all of whom have passed....
That's where we are now...they tell us she will come out of this, it will take time, they are doing everything they can to support her body healing until she gets her mind back....
It has been so hard to see everything she has been through....my mom is 4 foot 8 inches...full blooded Italian (she doesn't know the pope died yet)....
Her name is Ida...
She is a fighter...
Thanks for all of your prayers...
When my mom heard her choices she told us she was not ready to die. She was very afraid to undergo the surgery but was not ready to go home and die.
My mom still works 15 hours a week at Walmart (not because she has to, because she loves to work, loves her co-workers)
She lives alone, still drives (albeit, that is a bit scarey)
We (I have four siblings) told her we would support whatever choice she made, she chose the surgery....
There were complications in surgery, it went 2 hours over the normal procedure because they could not stop her bleeding...
The surgeon came out and told us the bypass was a success but the complication during surgery left my mom very vulnerable...
The first week after surgery, they kept her under the anethesia, on a ventilator until they could stabilize her.....
It was touch and go, hour by hour the first week...
My sister, brother-in-law and I spent the first 3 nights at the hospital taking turns checking on her....we promised her we would not leave her alone...
On Easter Sunday the doctors decided to cut her anetheisa and begin to wake her up...we did not know if she had had a stroke and how she would come out of it...
By Wednesday she was awake and lucid...they took a risk and removed the ventilator as they were afraid if they did not she would begin to go backwards...
She was able to sustain her breathing on oxygen, and she was lucid (the nurses told us they were amazed--they did not expect her to make it)
...we were so happy...
By Thursday evening, what the doctors call "hospital pyschosis" set in....my mom became very confused, dioriented and agitated...that has been her state ever since
She is in and out, moments of knowing us and then moments of calling out for her sisters, mom and dad, all of whom have passed....
That's where we are now...they tell us she will come out of this, it will take time, they are doing everything they can to support her body healing until she gets her mind back....
It has been so hard to see everything she has been through....my mom is 4 foot 8 inches...full blooded Italian (she doesn't know the pope died yet)....
Her name is Ida...
She is a fighter...
Thanks for all of your prayers...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)